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Trump’s Super-Top-Secret Deal
President Trump bragged on Tuesday in regards to the secret deal he claimed to have made with Mexico (which Mexico’s overseas minister has denied). As proof, Trump waved a piece of paper in entrance of TV cameras, saying it contained a part of the settlement he had but to disclose. The late-night hosts took their greatest guesses about it.
“We actually found out what was on that paper. Yeah, here at ‘The Tonight Show’ we find out those types of things. It says, ‘Do you want to make an agreement? Sí or no.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“[Imitating Trump] ‘Look, look, if I don’t have a secret settlement with Mexico, then how do I’ve this piece of paper proper right here? How I do have a piece of paper that I cannot learn to you, O.Ok.? O.Ok.? Here’s Middle East peace proper right here. It smells so implausible. Yes, peace proper there. There we go. All proper. O.Ok., we’ve obtained the Mexico deal, we’ve obtained Middle East peace, and maintain on, the Colonel’s secret recipe proper right here: seven herbs and spices.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Stephen Colbert famous that The Washington Post had captured a picture of the paper and located no proof of latest data on it.
“Once again, Trump is foiled by his archnemeses: sunlight and reading.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Trump and Biden Take the Midwest
Trump and Joe Biden have been each campaigning in Iowa on Tuesday, which Colbert stated was “either because it’s the first primary state or because Kevin Costner needed more old guys to walk out of the cornfield.”
“Usually when two guys over 70 go on the same trip, it’s a movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.” — JIMMY FALLON
“I don’t know, seeing Joe just isn’t the same without Obama there. It’s like going to a concert to see Oates.” — SETH MEYERS
An early transcript of Biden’s speech had the previous vice chairman scolding Trump for making his presidency all about himself.
“Biden’s right: It’s not about Donald, which is why Biden in his speech talked about Trump only 76 times. The only person talking about Donald Trump more than Joe Biden is Donald Trump — and me.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Trump vs. Biden Edition)
“President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint Joe Biden as feeble. That’s what they’re gonna try and do. And Biden’s strategy is to try and portray President Trump as President Trump. So, parallel strategy.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“President Trump today attacked former Vice President Joe Biden, saying, ‘I like running against people who are weak mentally.’ ‘It’s harder than you think,’ said Hillary.” — SETH MEYERS
“Biden’s the dummy? May I point out, only one of you is sitting on Putin’s lap with his hand up your butt.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
The MSNBC host Rachel Maddow talked with Seth Meyers about the opportunity of Trump’s getting impeached and her forthcoming ebook, “Blow Out,” in regards to the oil and gasoline business.